I Love Him but I’m Not ‘In Love’ With Him?

So you think you’ve fallen out of love with him? There’s a good chance that you have.  Afterall, the initial butterflies and euphoria we feel toward our spouses are rooted in science and have been attributed a powerful hormonal cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine in our brains.  This lasts as we are getting to know each other but fades away as we transition into ‘mature love.’  Mature love is often described using words such as safety, security, belonging, predictability, and stability.  Caretaking and nurturing can be a big part of mature love with respect to careers, family and home. 

So why do you feel like there was a shift from a state of being in love to falling out of love?  Maybe you can’t pinpoint an exact moment in time, but you know that there is a wide gap of distance between you and your husband.  There are things about him that you used to admire or at least tolerate but they now drive you crazy.  What is this phase called and how did you get here? More importantly, is it possible to get back to a state of love?

Yes, it is possible.  Especially when you realize that you didn’t get here because your spouse changed or because you changed.  The only thing that has changed is your thoughts about your spouse.  This is the key–the thoughts you choose to think about your husband can transform your marriage.

Let me demonstrate how powerful one thought can be…rewind to before you got married and pretend you’re actively dating.  You agree to a dinner date with someone you met on-line and in walks a tall, dark-haired man with baby blue eyes.  Your date with Mr. Dreamy goes splendidly and you can’t wait to see him again.

The very next day, you see his photo all over the evening news and realize that authorities are searching for Mr. Dreamy who is a serial killer!  After you get over the shock of having such a close call, you think of him and your skin crawls.  This is very dramatic and not likely to ever happen, but it demonstrates how just a single thought and what we make it mean can cause us to feel completely differently about someone. 

So what thoughts do you have about your husband and are you willing to change them? It is totally possible to see him in a new light and to generate new positive feelings.  This is a practice that can be done by trying to see your husband through a new set of lenses.  By thinking about his actions and behaviors differently and understanding and accepting that they don’t mean anything about you, my clients can decrease resentment and tension in their marriages and find it creates space for closeness and love. What thoughts can you try out?  If this sounds great in theory but you aren’t sure how to apply it in your marriage, go to my ‘Work With Me Page’ and sign up for a free consult call.  I can help you!